Thursday April 4, 2019

Galatians 6:9 So let us not grow weary in doing what is right, for we will reap at harvest time, if we do not give up.

Today Lucia and I went to Budila to help with the Kid’s Club and After-School Program while Jeff did his shift at the hospital and Anjali and David stayed home doing homework. Lucia had such a great time today and she is so inspirational with her ability to adapt and assimilate to any situation. It is just so amazing to me that she is able to make new friends in any environment and today was no different. During the Kid’s Club, which is basically just a preschool for other kids her age, she jumped right in to playing with other kids and having a ton of fun. When that was done we headed over to the After School Program and she fit right in there making friends and having tickle fights. She was laughing and having such a great time, but by the end of the afternoon she was completely exhausted and almost falling asleep on the way home. I guess it didn’t help that she has been awake for an hour or more the last 4-5 nights for who knows why, but I do know that this lack of sleep (and Jeff has been the one who has been dealing with her) has really put me into a state of exhaustion, so I can only imagine how Jeff is feeling. I will say that I really struggled today because I was so tired. I am pretty sure it was a mixture of the disrupted sleep and then the weight of not knowing our path after the middle of July. But we will continue to care for these wonderful children at the hospital, Kid’s Club and After-School Program in any way that we can and continue to show them that they are loved and worthy because of God’s grace.

When Lucia and I got home, Anjali and David were still doing school work (this was now about 2:30 pm). I have to admit that I was a bit (just a little sarcasm there) frustrated that they were still doing school work and assumed that they did not do the work assigned to them for the day. I felt pretty awful when I found out that Anjali had done really well and that it was David who chose to watch videos about the American Revolution instead of doing his math and language arts. Now as for David he was still learning by watching these videos, but it was not what he was supposed to be doing and Anjali had done her work but was needing some extra help from dad on the math. All in all, it was me that lost it and perpetuated the downward spiral of the entire family. Everyone went from being happy into being rude and upset with each other. Looking back on the day, it all started with me and the projection of my frustrations on my children and family. UGGGHHHHHH.

I definitely grew weary and tired of doing what was right. I lost my head and stopped following God’s path for me because mine allowed me to have a faster answer, though it was most definitely not the better choice. Basically the evening spiraled out of control with Anjali and Jeff while trying to get her to take a break ended up in a battle of wills with our extremely hard-headed daughter. In the end, and after about an hour fight with her, Jeff finally got her to walk with him to the store to get out of the house and some fresh air, which seemed to work like a charm for all of us. By the time she came back I had realized what I had done to perpetuate this problem and was able to quickly apologize for my behavior and my inability to control myself.

It was a long day today and I have prayed a lot tonight for God to take these burdens from me and to help me let go of trying to figure out the future and just trust in His way. This is so hard for me and I honestly can’t figure out why because it was so easy in the beginning of this journey. I was able to just relinquish control and let Him lead the way, but this is different and I don’t know or understand why. But I know it is different because I can’t seem to let go and give the control and power over to the one who really has it; I am still fighting for it.

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